I've been roaming these streets and sites for months, hitting every club, bar, alley, and app I can find, in search of my queen. All I find are either lunatics, or women who won't be bothered with a cat like me. No matter how well I groom myself, no matter how fine the nip I hold, romance just seems to be out of my reach.
Life would be so much easier if I could just have a robot to nail every once in a while. A device where I didn't have to do any work; just flip a switch, lay back, and let the machine finish me off, while I bat at the feather dangling above my bed. Sure, I jerk off regularly, but the idea of something else doing all the work, without me having to invest any real time or energy, that's the cat's pajamas.
Women have vibrators, why can't men? For the longest time, women have been the only ones with electric sex toys. Then a genius named Brian Sloan came around, and developed the AutoBlow. That's right, a machine designed for mechanical blowjobs.
Unlimited blowjobs for life!
The thing feels a little larger than a standard Fleshlight, and it is mechanical, so it's not really discrete. Then again, neither am I, so I wasn't really concerned with how much noise she made or how imposing she was, so long as she was down to party.
Just like the Fleshlight- though not quite as tight- the AutoBlow feels pretty realistic. I realized that, by rotating it a bit, I could change the angle at which I penetrated the inner grip, thus making it a little tighter. I could very well have a small dick, though, but thankfully they offer three different sizes. As with the Fleshlight, you want to use a lot of lube, since, you know, it's not a human being that you can arose.
So there I am naked, cock in a machine, ready to go...then I have a moment of dread. Will this thing rip my dick off? Will it jerk me around unmerciful, leaving my penis bent and ashamed? I said a prayer, and flipped the switch.
It started slow and gentle enough. The inner beads occasionally reminded me of teeth scraping my shaft, but not in a painful way. Then I got ballsy, and cranked the AutoBlow into high gear.
I suddenly felt like Chris Rock in CB4. My dick was caught in a wild bronco ride, and all I could do was hold on, and hope I wasn't maimed. Unfortunately, the faster it got, the louder it was, and at high speed, it sounded like windshield wipers running at high. This distracted me a bit since, well...as it turns out, despite my love of sci-fi, actual machines don't turn me on.
But slowing the speed down, dimming the light, and playing some super duper baby-making music, we got back on track. Slow down, baby girl, you don't need to suck my cock off my body.
We caught our groove, and things finished at a nice, medium pace. It wasn't the best blowjob I've ever had, but it certainly was not the worst.
But then I had to clean her off. Then I had to store the sleeve in a plastic bag. Then I had to buy her a rope mouse toy, because she's freaky like that.
All this for a machine?! Where will it end?! Is this REALLY better than Tinder?!
OK, yes, the AutoBlow is hands-down more fulfilling and satisfying- and less dehumanizing- than Tinder.
Maybe the days of having full-out sex with a robot aren't quite here yet. But the AutoBlow is here to hold us over until we get to that near future!