Reverie 8

Alone once again, he can do nothing to fend off the bitter cold that is slowly creeping over the top of the glass and across the steering wheel.   She had cracked it open on the way here, being considerate to his lungs as she sucked on her Wide Gauge®.  A wonderfully thoughtful gesture, but she forgot to roll the window back up when she went into the hotel.  No big deal- she’s usually not gone for more than 30 minutes or so.

One week before his first birthday, and the air of January shows him no mercy.  As tiny clouds escape his infant lips, his eyelids begin to feel heavy, so he puts up the best fight he can, but it’s no use.  Not even his constant shivering is enough to stop the sleep that he is rapidly dropped into, and with the loss of consciousness comes his first in Life’s many lessons- a Mother’s Love is not always forever, especially if it never exists.

His mother is a human being, prone to selfishness and oblivious to her actions’ impact on others, specifically her son.  The truth is that this boy was her first child, and at 17, she saw her pregnancy as more than unexpected; she deemed it a consequence of her mistakes, plain and simple.

When she finally decides to sober up, and put the past behind her, she includes her son within this excess baggage, for he is a reminder of her foolishness.  Luckily, the child’s father gives a damn, and accepts the responsibility of raising the young boy. Nonetheless, that child will go through the first two decades of his life cursed with the Reality that his own mother didn’t want anything to do with him.

Sure, there’s the occasional visit here and there (mixed with even more frequent cancellations), but only when it’s convenient for her, when she feels guilty about neglecting him.  Since the boy won’t come into grips with this rejection until his early 20’s, he spends his adolescence trying to fill the Void that his lack of maternal support has left him with.  He initially becomes involved with nurturing girls, but for reasons he can’t define, never manages to reach the necessary Intimacy to reciprocate his girlfriends’ emotions.  When several such relationships go sour, he moves to the party chicks, those just looking for a good time.  Sadly, he makes the mistake of falling for such a vixen, who promises him Monogamy and Love, only to tear his heart out through his throat with her promiscuity.

After this, his yearning for Love becomes frozen, for it’s far too painful to deal with, and it’s a lot safer not to trust anyone. He’ll go about the next few years in a frenzy of intense substance abuse and orgies that never satisfy him, no matter how enticing they may be.  There’s always something missing, something that so many others seem to have.

Finally, after agonizing sessions of introspection, he makes a bold attempt to establish some sort of “normal” bond with his mother.  Something, anything that will even hint that she loves him.  He now at least understands his inner turmoil, and does everything he can think of to resolve it.  However, a relationship takes Two, and his mother sees only a memento to her stupors of Yore in this young man.

Eventually, he accepts Reality- his mother does not love him.  She never has, and chances are, she never will.  However, he moves on.  He made it this far, so why let some selfish whore hold him back?  He’s dealt with these types in the past, and it’s only brought painful results.  He goes about his life, and finds his own definition of Love.